Wednesday, October 30, 2013

it hurt because it mattered

I do not know if there is anyone left to read my words, but I am filled with an unexplainable need to be heard. Even if my voice is small and my words only have meaning to me.

You have not heard from me at all in a very long time. And that is because I had no words. No things I could say, no insight in a time that for me and many close to me was black as pitch. I did not need to speak then, but to grieve. But now I am tired of tears and silence.
 I cannot give a full report on all that has left me paralyzed -- I still don't have the words and neither is it something to foist upon the ears of passing strangers.
 But I can tell you the last straw in a string of sharp, heartbreaking events that broke this camel's back.
My Charlie is dead.
 Just like that.
Momma's cancer therapy dog, he was. The puppy that brought smiles even to the bleakest of days is somehow gone.
 All because one boarder at my neighbor's barn was late for work and sped on our gravel road.
I still don't get it.

Do you ever feel like Job?
Two months and two-thousand miles removed from all that, I have, for the first time since, picked up my novel and pen. Only to find I am extremely out of practice. Oh, for a magic key that will let me back into what I once believed was my own world! Or better yet a magic pen that will write my story for me. That is every writers' dream, right? My favorite quote on the subject remains, "I don't like to write, I like to have written." I know there are those who enjoy the actual process, hacking out the details and so on, but I confess I am not one of them.
 I quit writing, drawing, music, and even taking pictures for the month of September. I had no desire for any of it. But now that Black September is over, I want to come back to my art-loves only to find one of them — my favorite, writing — a stranger.
 I need a new start so I was sent to visit my sister, where I am currently writing from. But even here, in perhaps the most inspiring city in the States, there is no magic cure.

 'It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen;
 but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.'

 So I'm going to roll up my sleeves and try again. Because that's all I can do.


  1. Gwyn, I am so incredibly sorry for you. I've read and been blessed by your blog forever, but never commented.

    We had a very similar accident happen to one of our precious little dogs on Thanksgiving 2 years ago. I can totally relate, and will be praying for you and your family.

    Don't be afraid to ask "why", to grieve, to hurt.....because in all that you will grow from this. Even when it's so hard to see, God still has all the answers to the toughest questions we can ask.

    Big tight hug coming your way!! Love ya :)

  2. Oh Gwyn, I'm so so sorry. You're one of the most wonderful people I've ever known and it breaks my heart to see you hurting. *hugs* I'm praying you find the words again, and peace in your time of hardship. Please don't give up--your writing will come again (you've always been so wonderful at it!) and life will get better. I pray the Lord will bless you and comfort you.

    Much love in Christ,

  3. I'm so sorry to hear that. It must have been (and must still be) so hard.

  4. If it's any comfort, I'm still reading. I don't think I've ever commented, but I'm still here.
    And I'm very sorry for your loss. :(
    I'll be praying for you.

  5. Oh, girl, I'm so sorry about the loss of your Charlie. I know how hard it is to lose a pet; it's strange how much they become part of the family. It's almost like losing a person, in a way, except sometimes it feels worse, because we feel that we were responsible for them. Praying for you, Gwyn.

    That quote by John Green just seems to fit life. Because everybody people, and pets, and things we love; and if it matters to us, it always hurts.

    Hang in there, girl. So glad to see you posting again, though.


  6. I just saw this post (I just recently found your blog) and I just want to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it must be like to have such pain wreak havoc in your life. All I can think of to say is I am so very sorry. Life is never fair, and I know that people say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle but I have found that God doesn't ever give you more than /He/ can handle. You can't handle all of this pain and heartache on your own, but your Father in heaven can handle it for you and He so very much wants to. Pain is never something that we want brought upon ourselves but nothing causes us to turn to the Lord and find our rest in Him like hard times. Here is an excerpt fro 'Streams in the Desert' that friend of my mom's sent me when I was going through a rough patch-

    You have shown your people desperate times.(Psalm 60:3)

    I have always been glad that the psalmist said to God that certain times of life are desperate or difficult. Make no mistake about it, there are difficult things in life.

    This summer someone gave me some beautiful pink flowers, and as I took them, I asked,"What kind are they?" My friend answered,"They are rock flowers. They grow and bloom only on rocks where you can see no soil."Then I thought of God's flowers growing in desperate times and hard places, and I somehow feel that He may have a certain tenderness for His "rock flowers" that He may not have for His lilies and roses. Margaret Bottome

    The trials of life are sent to make us, not to break us. Financial troubles may destroy a person's business but build up his character. And a direct blow to the outer person may be the greatest blessing possible to the inner person. So if God places or allows anything difficult in our lives, we can be sure that the real danger or trouble will be what we will lose if we run or rebel against it. Maltbie D. Babcock

    Heroes are forged on anvils hot with pain,
    And splendid courage comes but with the test.
    Some natures ripen and some natures bloom
    Only on blood-wet soil, some souls prove great
    Only in moments dark with death or doom.

    God finds His best soldiers on the mountain of affliction.

    I'm so sorry, but there is one place where you can find rest, peace, and a joy that is not dependent upon circumstances…and that is in the arms of your Lord :)))