the only north star i'd follow this far

The very first and foremost, I am so grateful for all of you who left notes on my last post with prayers, Scripture verses, and encouragement. What a comfort it is to belong to the loving Christian family, and to feel that love through your prayers. Prayers that have been sorely needed.
Unlike I thought before, Momma has to undergo chemotherapy after all, for though her cancer was early, it is the most aggressive type and has a chance of recurring, in which case there is no cure. It is just a sliver of a chance, but one that we will not risk. She had her first chemo treatment yesterday, so I ask for your continued prayers because the side effects are brutal.
 Satan seems determined to fracture my family, whatever the cost. And though the ship quakes and the sails tear in the violent storm, we refuse to sink.
The devil may be in the barnacles that cling to our hull, the sharks that circle in hopes of failure, or even the merciless tossing brine itself, but Jesus is the captain, God our destination, and Holy Spirit the trade wind that will guide us to the harbour on that eternal shore. (here end my nautical metaphors :)

Then Jesus arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.

 But He said to them, “Why are you so fearful? Have you still no faith?"

mark 4:39-40 nkjv

Last weekend Momma, Little Brother, Sister & Baby, and I all traveled down to Colorado to visit my grandma whose health is failing, before Mum started treatment. We only got to spend one day with her and my Aunt, but it was good.
 A few of our side adventures include driving around lost in a city for two hours in search of a certain hotel (that turned out to be on the other side of town). Settling instead for the first hotel we could find, experiencing Duck Dynasty for the first time (what the..?), and not-sleeping thanks to the college basketball party arriving next door. If there was ever a time I wanted to pull a Batman (scale the wall, bust through the glass and start beating those rats in jerseys with a blunt instrument) it was then.

Meet Charlie, the newest addition to our menagerie. Nine weeks old, this little Mini Australian Shepherd with one blue eye and one brown practically fell out of the sky into my Momma's arms. It was quickly decided that she required this little fluff ball for therapy :)

I really regret not being able to post more often, but the simple fact is I have no time anymore. I miss writing and editing photos for the little audience I have. I miss a lot of things I used to do and take for granted. Like riding (haven't ridden in a month - hoping the weather will give me a window today). Like finishing a book. Like writing more than a paragraph in TLOS at 12:30am when I finely get to go to bed.
 My days consist of caring for my nephew, house training an ornery puppy, and an endless amount of housework (Respect for Momma status: ALREADY HIGH to NEEDING NEW CHART). I don't mind all that stuff (well, maybe Charlie's incontinence). But all day nearly every day is hard.
 However, I am growing and adapting, and am challenged to carve out my true priorities and discover how hard I'm willing to work for them.
Today is my first day off where it is not blizzarding (just ridiculously windy) and I don't want to waste it, so I shall
 bid you all a fond adieu.

a little pink ribbon

listening to: when love was slain // selah

Remember back when I promised to write simpler, more frequent posts to you all? I am sorry it hasn't quite worked out that way. You see, I had thought I was getting everything back together again after months of upheavals and uncertainties. I thought I had found a new 'normal' and was prepared to settle in and take a break from constantly bracing for the next bombshell and its accompanying after-shock.
 Well, in the past three weeks my mother has been diagnosed and begun treatment for breast cancer.
The Lord is good and it was found very early; the doctor is almost certain that all of the cancer was removed in the surgery, and as soon as she is healed she will begin radiation treatments.
 Another shock and scare it was, to be certain, but looking back it was all clearly taken in hand by Our Father to put right.

I am certain Solomon had a time machine, or was on good terms with a Time Lord, because when he wrote Proverbs 31 he pretty much made a word portrait of my mother. The fact that she is worth far more than rubies is just the beginning.
Sometimes she tells us kids that she does not deserve us. We laugh and have to agree. What has she ever done, Lord, to deserve children with the stubbornness of Germans and sparking temper of the Irish?

Her children arise and call her blesséd...

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring praise at the city gates.

from Proverbs 31

A chill winter mourning

Hullo to one and all!
 That looked incredibly peppy and enthusiastic, didn't it? But I'm afraid I'm not. As you may or perhaps may not know, this week has been my Grandpa's funeral as well as a memorial for my Grandmum who passed this spring. Three days of prayer, tears, laughing with family, and moments of lonely silence. Longing for some normalcy,  a sense of stability, amounts to nothing more than a heavier blanket of grief.
 Grief cripples me.

 I cannot function under it. It's like I need to be perpetually happy and light hearted. Or at least have control over what I call excess emotion; anytime I feel overly - perhaps even vulnerably - angry or upset or excited, I can take a walk or a ride, or even just write in order to get a grip and stabilize my feelings. Maybe that's why I'm writing now.
 But I just cannot fix grief. And it frustrates me. {I suppose its my German engineer side coming out.} Yet it fascinates me and compels me like no other emotion. {If that confused you just now, don't worry, I'm a bit lost my self.} Of all the blithe jigs and reels in the history of Celtic music, it's the heartbroken songs of mourning and loss that I love the most. All the tales of adventure and bravery are lost on me unless there is a great and beautiful loss in it. Something that makes the characters vulnerable; their world fragile. Yet I hate being there myself.
 The majority of my own characters have incredibly sad or at least stirring backgrounds. And if they don't, they soon will. *insert evil laugh here*
 I'm strange, I admit it.

 Right now I'm mediocre. Neither glad nor sad, stuck instead in a sort of limbo between them.
 I am glad my grandparents are together again, as they always were, and now it's even better with no pain and with Jesus. Can you even imagine what that must be like? Right now, the same Grandmum and Grandpa that watched my soccer games are now viewing the heavenly throne!
 At the same time I am acutely aware of the fact that they are no longer here, no longer touchable. It takes time to heal wounds, and prayer and petition to heal the heart.
 Mum says times like these, when grief is near and the stress of musical performances is hovering with certain doom, build character - and they do. But to me they are more faith-builders. Without them I would still be the same stubborn daughter of Eve trying to piece and patch together everything herself. I am in no way saying that I'm no longer stubborn - heaven knows far better than that! - but I am growing. And learning.
 It will take more than a lifetime to learn, I'm sure. But you must start sooner than later, right?
Hmmm. I feel infinitely better, now that I've wrote this. Even if nobody reads it all the way through :)

The pictures are from our Christmas tree hunt.

Until next time {hopefully then we can begin the giveaway!},

-Gwyn

A Thanksgiving prayer request

Last night my Grandpa passed away. It did not come as a surprise: he's been fading ever since Grandmum went ahead in May. Now together they will celebrate the true Thanksgiving feast with the Giver Himself. And that make me happy.
 But prayers for those of us still waiting behind would be much appreciated.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

 Be truly thankful for your family this year!

(c)Gwyn

"The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord" -Job

Of many things...

May I first just say how much I loved all those comments on my last post? It was so lovely to learn about your four-legged friends! It's very evident even in the words you used how much you love them :)
  Ah, if only the rest of humanity would look on animals as compassionately as you girls.
 Molly also says "Roo-roo" for the complements.

I know I've talked about canning and jelly making a million times this year already, and probably thought you'd heard the last of it {so did I!}, buuut... A few days ago Mum was given thirty pounds of home-grown grapes. Yep, you heard me right, thirty pounds of these little guys.

I don't know what were going to do with all of them, so for right now they're all in giant plastic bags in the freezer chest.

They don't taste like store-bought grapes either - they taste almost exactly like those little candy suckers you get at the bank! I don't know if you find that weird, but I do.

Speaking of weird... 

 I thought it was so funny the way this photo turned out. I didn't place them at all, and it was only when I edited it that I saw what appears to be a riot. {... I could say something about the Grapes of Wrath, but I won't...} 

 I suppose it's inevitable that we'll can a few, and maybe make juice and some jelly from the rest, but in the mean time....

Pumpkins anyone?

We harvested seven large jack-o-lanterns, two tiny premature ones, five turk's head squash, four baseball bat sized summer squash{not to mention all the smaller ones}, and millions of cherry tomatoes and decor gourds. What a great year for gourds and squash!

Little brother and I also went adventuring the other day and this time I brought along the camera. Unfortunately I haven't the time to post those just yet, so I must say Adieu to you, and you, and you, for now anyway. But do you have a garden?

-Gwyn

As a side note, could you please pray for my family. We're having a rather rough and tumble time at the moment. So if you  could it would be greatly appreciated.

{I couldn't resist sharing just one picture from our adventure :)}

Everything is falling into place

All summer — well, make that ever since May, when my grandmum passed away — my life has felt hectic and rushed: 

I've got to do this and then I've got to do that so I can do this, so then... *gets a phone call* Okay, now I have to do that as well...

 Everything seemed spur of the moment and nothing was regular, I simply bobbed around trying to keep my head above water. Don't get me wrong, I like spontaneous moments. But having no structure at all I've realized, is not a good idea.
In my last post I moaned about having to start school again and how I was dreading it. Looking back I regret it. I looked at that post and thought: Oh for goodness sake! Grow up a bit, Gwyn. Okay, yeah you don't understand algebra very well and struggle with it, but you're not doing anything about it. This isn't like you. One, one "raises the eyebrows!"
So I did do something about it, oh yes. I took it to the highest power. I prayed. I prayed for knowledge and understanding. I got it! I could believe it the next day when I zipped through twenty problems in thirty minutes. And I understood my lessons! On the second day of school in the middle, mind you, of my textbook! There is nothing on this earth that could have done that for me.
 The mind boggles.
And still there are some who refuse to believe in the power of prayer.

{*Tid bit*: Many say they don't believe in prayer because they didn't get what they wanted. Did they ever stop to think that maybe God knew more than they, and that they didn't really need it? Just a thought.}

I have learned much in my first week of school; the importance of balance in everyday life, more of how God works, unequal quantities, exponents and signed numbers, the battle of Troy and Paris and Helen's huge role in it, just to name a few things.

Tomorrow is Monday. I will get up, do my chores, do school and homework, practice music, and play with my animals. I can breathe again. :)

Welcome back Normal, you've been missed.

-Gwyn

Ooh my aching back....

Yesterday, from 9:00am to 9:30pm, we moved my Grandpa into an Assisted Living place -not to be confused with a nursing home, an assisted living pretty much gives you a mini house attached to an expensive hotel lobby, fancy and healthy meals prepared by chefs, and a nurse on stand-by round the clock in case of needed assistance.  The "lobby"/living room is complete with over-struffed couches and armchairs, a ginormous fireplace, a concert grande piano{!} that anyone is aloud to play{Me. :D}, and a patio/garden out back.
  All-in-all, pampered living :)

I know it was really hard for Grandpa to leave the old house; the one where he and Grandmum had lived for 16 years together until a month ago. Many, many memories surround that house on the edge of town.
 My Grandmum was an amazing painter, she taught me oils for several years, her art used to decorate the walls back at the old house, and now hangs in Grandpa's new abode along with around twenty other pictures of grandchildren, his parents, and old family portraits taken before grandchildren ever came along, and of course the Crucifix on the wall above one of the windows.

Then we moved in the furniture. I said this many times yesterday but I'll say it again, old furniture is heavy furniture! His favorite chair is an old electric massage chair, and let me tell you that thing must be close to 200+ pounds. Oi. Thank heavens their weren't any stairs.

Grandpa didn't really want to move at all because of the house, but he needed more care than we can give. I was praying all that he would love his new place and have yet to hear either yea or nay.

 I'm setting up a deal with the head ladies at the AL to maybe come in once a week or so and play violin and piano for the residents and staff. It would mean digging up more old songs and learning new ones, but I should anyway. Maybe it will also make Grandpa want to stay a little more. I guess I'll just keep praying :)


Tomorrow is Mummy's birthday! And as a treat I think we're taking her to a resort in the Hills. And hopefully we girls{my cousins, aunt, sister, Mum, and I} can go to the place where they take professional 1870's photo shoots! They have all the old fashioned clothes and hats and fans and what-not, as well as a variety of different sets{ a parlor w/ piano and tea things, an old bar :P, etc} Should be completely awesome! I'm very excited! But I need to go...

~Gwyn

Tears

Yesterday -- Was it only yesterday? -- my dear, dear Grandmother passed away. I was not surprised; she had took a turn for the worse. And since I had an idea it was coming I guess it wasn't so bad for me. After all, I know she's in Heaven for she was always a devout believer in our Savior.
  Yesterday was also a big music day for us and since we couldn't cancel, we went ahead and did the performances{two in all}. It wasn't until after my brother and I played our Calliope House/Cowboy Jig duet and the MC of the Fine Arts Fair stood and said that our Grandma would be proud, that her absence really hit home for me. And the MC telling us that... I couldn't stay in the building anymore. By the time I got out to the truck I was flat out sobbing. I know I have that song on my playlist "Cowgirls Don't Cry", but I guess if that's true, I'm not a cowgirl because I cried like I never had before. This is the first time that someone really close to me has passed away. And I miss her, I miss her so badly! The rush of memories was indescribable as I cried in the truck, at times for lack of a better outlet for my emotions, punching and kicking the seat. Not out of anger, but out of raw grief. I repeated the memories out loud as they came to me. No one was around, and even if they were, what did I care if they heard me?
  The ones that stood out most were the time my brothers and I painted her deck just last summer in the hot sun while she sat in a chair and told us funny stories of when my Dad was a teenager, or when she was teaching me to paint; when I was little and we went to the park and played games and then stopped by the movie store to rent a "horse movie!". She and Grampa came to all my soccer games and we always went to the Purple House {a purple snack shed on the fields} to buy a candy. And Sundays, every Sunday, up till January, we would have a special Sunday dinner.
  There are so many more memories that I hold dear. But... I really wish I had asked her about her life growing up on a farm during WWII. And her Dad: he was a story just waiting to be written, being a stowaway from Ireland on a ship bound for freedom in the United States. And of course her mother who died when she was only three. There's so much I wish I'd asked her, but I wrongly assumed that the chance to learn about her past would come of its own accord. I cannot stress enough how important it is to ask your grandparents about their lives before you no longer have the option. Likely enough, they'll be willing to tell you everything.

My cousins are all flying up tonight for the funeral and vigil tomorrow and Friday. I'm to play Oh, Danny Boy, a song my great-grandpa used to sing to Grandma when she was a child and one she loved dearly. I wonder if I can play it at all.

I am already tired of being on the verge of tears, I want to be happy again. I want everything to go back to normal. I want my Grandma back.
 I told God last night, God, I know your time is perfect, and that Grandma is much better and happier where she is now, but Lord, I already miss her so....
 I really don't know how I'm going to get through both services. I wish there was only one.

 I beg that you pray for my entire family. Especially for my Grandpa. He has not been without Grandma for any long period of time in sixty-five years. I am comforted by my Lord and his wonderful creations, horses. Whom I am sure he granted special, you could say, "powers".

In memory of my dear Grandma 

July 1925 ~ May 4th, 2010

 {these tulips were her favorite}

Thank you all :)

Thank you Eldarwen, Golden Eagle, Lady Greenleaf, and Rachel Daniel for you prayers, advice, and encouragement. It helps a lot to know you have friends praying for you and your family.
  My grandmum is slowly getting better. But whether or not she'll be able to be released from the hospital or even moved to a hospital closer to home, the doctors are debating. She's still very weak and her sodium levels aren't quite satisfactory. Hopefully God will see fit to let her come home again.

Meanwhile...
Tomorrow is show night for A Midsummer Nights Dream! Are we all ready? Maybe. I am sooo ready for it to be over. Looking back I've worked on this play for almost six months. What am I doing for the play, you ask? Well, I, along with three other girls, rewrote the play making it {a lot}more funny and kid friendly; Then, I'm the third in command director :); I'm first violin in the mini orchestra; and I'm a minor character. :) A lot of work, but a lot of fun and new friends. I'm glad I'm doing it and I'm excited for tomorrow, But I'm ready for life to go back to normal. My horses are getting fat on all this nice green grass too.
Now I must go and get ready for the last D.S. before show time!

Thank you again for all your prayers ~ Gwyn

::Hospital Visit:: please pray

The nurse behind the desk pointed out my grandmum's room. "737, bed two."
  My Mom, brothers, and I shuffled past the first bed occupied by a sleeping elder woman. Her husband sat close by reading a book. He wore a mask and when he looked up at us... I've never seen such raw hopelessness.
 At the dividing curtain, I heisitated. Mom had told us before we entered the hospital that Grandma would look different; that her illness had taken a toll. I was afraid. I was afraid to see what was behind the curtain. I can't remember if I whispered a prayer or asked for strength from the Lord without thinking, but I followed my family past the the cloth divider. I promised I wouldn't cry.
  My aunt sat next to the bed holding Grandma's hand.
  Grandma was always a little woman, "five foot two with eyes of blue" as the saying went. But what she lacked in stature, she more than made up for in iron will and selflessness. Now laying in the hospital bed, her form was frail, all but swallowed up by the stark white sheets. Her eyes were closed from weariness. The doctors had given her some sort of breathing mask to help her lungs rid themselves of carbon dioxide.
 My aunt gave my elder brother her chair that he might hold Grandma's hand.
 "It's August," she whispered.
 Grandmum's eye flickered open for a moment and she smiled briefly. "Hi, August," she breathed, it was a great effort to speak at all. But what I noticed at once was her eyes: they no longer had the Irish smile, or sparkle. I had never known that spark to go out. Not in Grandma's eyes.
  I promised I wouldn't cry, I reminded myself, turning quickly to the window. Below I could see the parking lot. Pigeons flew all over. Should have brought a slingshot, I thought, trying not to listen to "You Raise Me Up" now playing softly on the small stereo next to the bed. My aunt was talking to Mom about the doctor's last orders.
A nurse came in and checked Grandma's vital signs.
 I took August's place and held her hand. It was small and frail, but it was the same hands that had taught me to paint, that had placed band-aids on my scuffed knees, held my own when I was small. And now here she was, hardly able to speak, slowly wasting away before my own eyes.
  I never knew heartbreak was so literal.

I feel as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff; below me is the sea of grief, behind me, the valley of joy - the way things used to be. I stand looking at the Father wondering what He will say. Will He allow my grandma to get well and let me go back to the valley? Or will He call her Home, sending me below to the sea until time dulls the pain of loss and I may go into new fields of life.
  I wait for what seems eternity. I know that whatever He may choose, it is and can only be, the best for my grandma.
  But the waiting...

His will be done.
Please pray for my whole family. ~Gwyn

Forget about what I said in the last post...

... about lots of posts. Things have be more than crazy since Saturday. And major happenings to.

1. My grandmama is in the hospital. She fell and her medications are out of whack, so we don't know how long she'll be there. 
2. My grandpapa isn't doing well with granmum's in the hospital. They haven't been apart for this long for years{they're both 86}
3. Because of this my aunt is flying up from SC today to see them and help out. Thank goodness!
4. We are in the process of looking for an assisted living for G&G. 
5. Shakespeare practices and meetings have doubled. And I still don't have all my lines memorized.
6. My music performance class is coming up and I don't have a song for it yet.
7. Sunday I play for a church tea, after the Chamber Orchestra concert.
8. My brother's graduation is the beginning of May and I haven't finished designing the invitations yet.
9. My sister is going to be moving to that college in the next month, I think.
10. Our Mac go a virus from PaperBack Swap and is undergoing rehab. 
11. My other grandmum is moving to a new house in Co. and we're going to have to help. 
12. Our dishwasher is leaking, the washing machine is making a noise that sounds like a troll wants out.
13. I might be getting my learner's permit for driving today.
14. Shakespeare music practice is today....

And  even with all of this I find time to keep up most of my running etc, and I ride almost every night.
 Roanie's been really good for me. Shyanne - not so much. The weather's been nice although windy.

I would guess by the list that I won't be posting for awhile. Please pray for my family. We're pretty much keeping it together, but some of us coming apart at the seams. *crazy laughing*

  Until that day of nothing to do comes, ~Gwyn

Hammie's return and Extra barn chores

Hammie is back home:D He's supposed to be groggy from the meds but he's up and kicking! The operation went well, and so, over the next few weeks/months I will be giving him PT 2x a day.
Thanks to everyone for their kind and concerned comments!


Today I start caring for our neighbor's{my friend CorgiChic's grandparents} horses and cats and chickens, too. Normally I'd be pumped and even now I can't help but feel warm inside. But the reason our neighbors are leaving for a few days is because their grandson died. So please keep them in your prayers.

  My neighbors are a retired couple who used to breed Quarter Horses, but 2009 was their last year for foals because the market for them has plummeted{one colt last year sold for only $50! And it was a papered pure-bred! It's insane}
So my duties while they're away are as follows:

• Feed grain and hay to Diamond{their ex-stud} and water him 2x a day. I might have to clean his stall too, depending on how long they're gone.
• Feed hay to Jack and Daniel{their evil mini cart ponies} 2x a day
• Feed  the '09 colts grain and hay 2x a day
• Feed the brood mares and gelding out in the South pasture hay 1x a day{they get lots of it}
• Feed the barn cats and water them 2x a day
• Feed the 25 meanest chickens in the world 2x a day and water them. Collect eggs without being pecked to death by Bertha{she sits on the biggest nest and you have to pry her off with a stick}
• Do all this and your normal chores before 8:30 mornings.{Mum's been nice. Giving me 30 extra min. before school. But I'm still going to have to be out there by 6:30. At least I can drive a truck up}

So, yeah. I love it.
I'm not so crazy about the house chores, though. Grrr I hate Sat. mornings. Our 'clean the house spotless' day. Whee.

~Gwyn

A vet trip

 The day before yesterday my sister took Hammie and Hooey in to the vet; Hooey to get booster shots and Hammie because he has been limping with his right back leg for about a week now.
The worst we thought it could be was maybe a sprain; after all, he didn't seem to be much pain.
My sister got back late and when she came in the door she was in tears. I'm telling you right now it takes A LOT to make her cry. But when it comes to our animals.... I nearly died. I could not imagine not having Hammie. Just writing it now is hard.

It turns out he experienced CCR:Cranial Cruciate Rupture.
It's not incureable{thank you,Lord!} It can be mended with surgery, but it won't ever be quite the same. But as long as we don't have to put him down, I'm happy!
He's not in much pain now, which is good. I don't know when we'll take him in to be patched up, but I did find out its close to $7oo+ just for the surgery, not including therapy....oy... I think that was why my sister was so upset; She's got a huge college work load{one more class and she'd have to get permission from the Dean} and has two jobs to pay for that and rent and she just had to get a new car and fix it up. She was afraid she couldn't afford Hammie's treatments{he is her dog, though he lives with me}. Well, she forgot just how much we love our Ham-Bone! I'm gonna throw in my savings for that violin{what's an instrament compared to my lil boy?} and Dad said he'd help her out too.
So lets pray for a quick surgery and speedy recovery for the little Fur-Child. He has been such a blessing to us. I wonder if he knows just how much....

"Give thanks unto the Lord in all circumstances..."

Lord, thank You for Hammie.

Good News!

Auntie had treatment today and everything went great!

Thanks for all your prayers!

~Gwyn

Prayer Request!

We've just found out that my aunt has an early stage of breast cancer... Please pray for my Auntie! She is very dear to all of us! That's all I ask.

God's will be done ~Gwyn